


The Lurker in the Lav

by Daegaer



Category: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angels, British Museum, Demons, Humor, Lions, London, Multi, Snakes, london zoo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-05
Updated: 2019-07-05
Packaged: 2020-06-10 08:38:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19498345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Daegaer/pseuds/Daegaer
Summary: Crowley and Aziraphale visit London Zoo.





	The Lurker in the Lav

**Author's Note:**

> Follows on from [Thunderbolt and Lightning](https://archiveofourown.org/works/19090564).

It was a fine summer's day, the kind of day that people start out thinking they really should do something together with the kids and so two man-shaped beings were carefully avoiding all parents now filled with despair and invoking heaven and hell as they rushed after their howling offspring.

"Tell me again," Aziraphale said, side-stepping a flurry of escaping six-year-olds, "exactly why we've come to the zoo?"

"Don't you find that when you live in a place for a few hundred years you never actually end up seeing any of the sights?" Crowley said innocently, grinning as a small boy smashed his ice-cream into his father's face and then screamed because he didn't have an ice-cream any more. "We should be tourists for the day."

"Dear me," Aziraphale said in a manner indicating that he'd found something unpleasant on the sole of his shoe. " _Tourists_. Well, if you insist, dear boy."

"It's fun," Crowley said. "I'm inciting despair in the hearts of all these parents and you can thwart me any time you like. Or not. It'll be like old times."

"I don't think it's taking much inciting," Aziraphale said, his tone showing the unpleasant shoe situation was reaching Near-Diluvian levels. His voice dropped to a piercing stage whisper heard for yards around. "Have you ever _seen_ such badly-behaved children all _over_ the bloo- er, the blessed place."

"Just ignore the little shits," Crowley said cheerfully. "Right, first stop, the Reptile House." He smiled even more innocently at Aziaphale and towed him away.

Twenty minutes later Aziraphale dragged him back outdoors, face scarlet.

"I am _never_ going anywhere with you again!" he said. "You are a disgrace, Crowley! An utter disgrace!"

"Oh, come on, it was all perfectly consensual, and anyway, we stayed on opposite sides of the glass. It was basically just phone sex," Crowley said, grinning widely. "It's not like anyone could _understand_ us anyway." 

" _I_ could!" Aziraphale shrieked. He took a deep breath and said at a more measured level, "Hold on - that black mamba that was supposedly spotted in Camden a few years ago –"

"They've upped security in the Reptile House since then, but those were a fun few days," Crowley said. "You just don't understand the concepts of friends with benefits, Aziraphale."

"Gah!" Aziraphale said casting his gaze up to heaven. He looked down again quickly, afraid he might see some old friends looking down, laughing mercilessly. "On the _contrary_ ," he said, "my acquaintance with you has introduced me to the benefits of all sorts of novelties like hangovers, stringed instruments played by layabouts –"

" – You never did get over the lute, did you?"

" – and dangerously high blood-pressure. Which I am experiencing _right now_."

"Oh, don't be such a baby. Let's go and look at the lions, humans find cat videos very relaxing; the real thing must be positively coma-inducing."

"Your grasp of reasoning never ceases to amaze," Aziraphale said. "Hand that brochure over – and keep the reptile bits for yourself, I don't think I want to touch them." He nodded approvingly at the brightly coloured images. "Very educational – look, the displays are interactive to allow visitors to learn more about the lions' habitat. Maybe I _will_ enjoy it."

"Educational," Crowley sighed, trailing after him. "What did I do to deserve that?" He sniggered unrepentently as Aziraphale looked meaningfully back at the Reptile House. "Ah. Right."

They stood outside the tall gates of the lion exhibit, taking in the faux-distressed stone, the mediaeval-style carvings of lions and the enormous lettering letting them know they were in the right place.

" _Land of the Lions_ ," Aziraphale said. "How alliterative. Come on, let's get transported to a nature sanctuary in India."

"As long as we're transported to a pub at some point as well. I wanted mild human misery and angelic embarrassment out of this, not actual education on the wonders of creation."

"Oh, dear me, yes."

It was all quite charming, Aziraphale thought. There were clean and rather fluffy monkeys to peer at, colourful Indian-styled buildings to set the tone, and the lions did what lions tended to do in his experience of them over the last six millennia. They just sort of lay around in the sunshine and snored, ignoring all other created beings around them. 

"It's good to be the king," he said dryly.

"I can think of several human kings who would have improved history immensely if they'd just slept all day," Crowley said.

"Yes, _quite._ "

Aziraphale looked from the brochure to the sleeping lions and back again, frowning slightly. Perhaps it was a misprint, he thought. Then again, the signs by the enclosure seemed to agree with the brochure, which meant –

"Crowley, you haven't been carrying on romances with the big cats as well, have you?"

"Huh? Not recent- er, no, why?"

"It's just that there seems to be an extra lion over there, and I was wondering if you'd stashed a paramour here to annoy me."

"Pfft. As if I _would_."

Aziraphale gave him a long and level stare, but Crowley had never, not once in six thousand years, learnt to blush. "Anyway," Aziraphale said. "They're only supposed to have one male lion and there are clearly two of the blasted things."

Crowley peered over. "They certainly haven't been fixed," he agreed. "Hang on, that mucky one at the side looks sort of familiar. Hey! Hey, you! Stop pretending to be a harmless quarter-ton predator and get over here!"

"I'm not sure lions are that heavy," Aziraphale mused, his voice trailing off as one of the lions did more than just lazily flick its ears and sleep harder at the viewers. The one on the end raised its head and glared over at them, then all too obviously rolled its eyes as it hauled itself to its feet, shook itself, then stood on its hind legs and strolled over.

"Hi, Crawley," it said. "Long time, etc."

"It's Crowley," Crowley said. "You're looking very mangy."

"Thank you, thank you. You're looking a bit less scaly than the last time I saw you. I guess the rash cleared up?"

"Um. Yes. Anyhow, Aziraphale, this is Šulak, the Lurker in the Lav. Šulak, this is Aziraphale. It's a little bit embarrassing but –"

"You're an angel," Šulak said in astonishment. "I haven't seen one of your lot since I don't know when! It's probably because none of you goes to the loo." He held out a paw and shook Aziraphale's hand enthusiastically. "Hi, I'm Šulak Dirty-Hands."

"Ah. Yes," Aziraphale said, surreptitiously miracling up a bottle of hand sanitizer. "So I see. Things must have gone downhill for you since the invention of modern bathrooms, I take it?"

"You don't know the half of it. I really miss Babylon."

"Don't we all," Aziraphale sighed. "Um. I mean, filthy habit, lurking in bathrooms. Hold on - _Šulak_ \- don't you hang around for ages after a fellow leaves the convenience as well? I think I know an incantation to banish demons like that -"

"Please don't," Šulak said quickly. "I can't help it if I get into interesting conversations with people in the loo."

Crowley pursed his lips. "Bad form to chat in the loo, Šulak. It has been for _centuries_."

"That's why I decided to just lurk around this lot," Šulak said, indicating the sleeping lions. "Get fed every day, smite _them_ when they went to the loo, no chatting involved. Usually."

"Oh," Aziraphale said. "And, er, how's that working out for you?"

Šulak ruefully indicated the scratches across his nose. "Old habits are hard to break. Turns out lions don't appreciate a fellow discussing current affairs when they're doing their business. They've been doing most of the smiting." He sighed. "Pity. Some of those ladies are really rather fetching when they're scratching soil up to cover the evidence. If you know what I mean."

"Please don't trouble yourself to explain anything further," Aziraphale said hastily, turning away to look at the real lions before he got any more information on demonic love lives.

"What's got into him?" Šulak said behind him.

"Bad experience in the Reptile House," Crowley said in a stage whisper. "He was turned down by a crocodile."

Aziraphale briefly thought of muttering _Lord, give me strength_ , then decided against it in case someone Upstairs actually heard and he was required to get in a punch-up with two sniggering demons. He really couldn't bring himself to touch Šulak's fur again. He considered materializing a few bottles of toilet cleaner and maybe a few cistern blocks for the fellow to chew on. Or would that be too much of a personal comment? He didn't much care, he was just _itching_ to do it. Oh dear. He was itching.

"And are you going to be in London for long?" he asked, in a manner that indicated that Šulak really should have left before Londinium quite became a thing. "Why are you here anyway?"

"There was a really interesting exhibition about Assyria –" Šulak started.

Crowley blessed in irritation under his breath.

" – not that I saw too much of it. I spent most of my time in the British Museum's loos. _Disgustingly_ clean, let me tell you. The café was nice, though."

Aziraphale and Crowley both shuddered at the thought of a favourite coffee spot so defiled.

"When are you going home?" Crowley said.

"The holiday visa's good for a while yet," Šulak said cheerfully. "I want to visit _all_ the tourist spots' and high-class toilets. Have you guys ever been to the Ritz? Because if you're at all angelically fussy I wouldn't go _just_ yet to be honest, they're having a spot of trouble with the drains. What a pleasant evening." He sighed in contentment.

"All right, that's _it_ ," Aziraphale said, giving the impression that he was about to wield a flaming memo. "It's too bad when your friends ruin decent dining spots, Crowley."

"Acquaintances," Crowley said, "and yeah. Give it a rest, Šulak."

"You big city demons – and angels, it would appear – are all the same," Šulak groused. "You think you're better than everyone else."

"You've lurked in some of the biggest cities of the world! Don't start with me," Crowley said. "How many of you went to this blessed exhibition?"

"Difficult to say," Šulak mused. "There was a lot of buzz about it, though maybe that was just Beelzebub."

"What's this about demons going to an exhibition?" Aziraphale said. He had the distinct feeling that Crowley was about to owe him a stiff drink. Crowley shrugged and looked innocent and as if nothing of this was anything to do with him. Several stiff drinks, Aziraphale thought.

"Nostalgia, education, history – the sort of thing you approve of," Crowley said. "Only with demons." He pulled a stylish notebook out of the raw ether and turned to Šulak, scribbling quickly. "Look, here's a list of pubs with the most vile toilets in London. Knock yourself out and go back quietly, OK. And don't say anything about this meeting or I'll find someone to make sure that every toilet on earth is sparkling from now on."

"Hmm. Fine," Šulak said taking the list. "Ooh, does this place do prawn sandwiches?"

"Great pub grub, and the kitchen's just as bad as the jacks. People will be sprinting in to the lav with cramps all the time."

"This is a great city break," Šulak said happily. "See you around, guys!" He vanished.

"I think it's time for you to explain," Aziraphale said.

"The important thing to take away from this is that I'm actually innocent in all of this," Crowley said. "Spotless, sinless, shining-halo-innocent. Come on, how thick do I have to lay it on before you smile? Oh, all right, let's start at the beginning. Way back in Mesopotamia there were a _lot_ of demons –"

"This sounds more like how _I_ start explaining things," Aziraphale said. "You're up to owing me a whole evening of drinking, you know."

"Let's just skip to that," Crowley said, looking somewhat winded. "I'll explain everything over dinner. My treat. You won't believe what's happened to my chimney." 

"Not the Ritz, maybe," Aziraphale said. "Not until it's been disinfected."

"No," Crowley agreed. "Absolutely _not._ " He gestured towards the exit. "You know how the British Museum just _keeps_ on displaying artifacts for summoning demons, no matter how often you write stern letters?"

"Let's save it for the second glass of wine," Aziraphale said. "Or the second bottle."

He was rather glad that Crowley always carried a lot of money and a card with a healthy credit limit. As far as he was concerned, this explanation was going to take a lot of alcohol, even before they got on to the apology drinking for the Reptile House.

* * * * *

**Author's Note:**

> [ Šulak](https://books.google.ie/books?id=GoN1DwAAQBAJ&pg=PA294&lpg=PA294&dq=%C5%A0ulak+demon&source=bl&ots=4PqqxgbYEI&sig=ACfU3U2atz_HZ5cbjlQlzstXuzwIjeXz7w&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjmhKTo6NziAhXyQxUIHY3OBv44ChDoATAAegQICRAB#v=onepage&q=%C5%A0ulak%20demon&f=false) was a Mesopotamian demon known as the [ Lurker of the Privy](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/%C5%A0ulak). He was seen as the [ cause of strokes and epilepsy](https://books.google.ie/books?id=XvlwDwAAQBAJ&pg=PA41&lpg=PA41&dq=%C5%A0ulak+demon&source=bl&ots=hDMwLWTytv&sig=ACfU3U2NbepycZtnRb01rBRaTi0aRPBjvQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjTtZnQ6NziAhWZWhUIHTZRCF8Q6AEwD3oECAgQAQ#v=onepage&q=%C5%A0ulak%20demon&f=false). An Assyrian prince who had a vision of the underworld reported that Šulak looked like a normal lion, except for walking on his hind legs.
> 
> [Land of the Lions](https://www.zsl.org/zsl-london-zoo/exhibits/land-of-the-lions) \- London Zoo's lion exhibit.


End file.
